Written by Jay Janicki (they/them), Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician, ADHD Clinical Services Provider, and founder of Janicki Holistic Healing, specializing in trauma, neurodivergence, and relationship healing.
I want to dedicate this to the planners: I see you, I hear you, I understand you. I have lived a majority of my life feeling that I needed to have the perfect plan to create the perfect life. I had a plan, it was never perfect, and every time I did have a plan, it fell apart. Let’s unpack it all.
The Career
When I was growing up, I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. I could be a dancer, an astronaut, a scientist, a doctor – I landed on wanting to be a doctor. Maybe it’s because both of my parents were pharmacists, and that’s what felt familiar to me. I was always encouraged to do my best, get good grades, and get into all of the different schools I applied to. I worked myself into the ground in high school, taking numerous honors classes while also taking care of my dad, who was practically living in a hospital ICU bed for months at a time. “I saw the care firsthand, of course, I can do this, right?” – wrong.
I picked the school furthest away from my hometown. I wanted to run away from my own life more than I actually wanted to be a doctor. I lost myself immediately the second I touched down in Tampa that August morning. I didn’t know how to make friends, I didn’t know how to exist outside of my own bubble of private, all-girls, Catholic high school bubble. I was in uncharted waters, floating around and trying to find something that guided me to shore, to something. I lost myself in the partying, making all of the wrong decisions, and trying to somehow also abide by this plan I locked myself into. I was hiding behind alcohol because being my authentic self didn’t feel safe. I joined a sorority, which – if you know me – was very surprising at the time.
I ended up calling my parents one night, my freshman year, during my second semester. I had just nearly failed chemistry, withdrew from biology, and was put on academic probation because of my first semester’s GPA. This would ultimately lead to me losing my scholarship if it continued. I tried art school, I tried nursing. I dropped out, moved home from Tampa, and still felt stuck.
Feeling Like I Didn’t Belong
Being back in my hometown at 20, I was still making the same choices – choices that I thought were “right”, when in reality, those choices were what everyone else wanted for me. I had no idea what I wanted for myself. I chose to enter nursing school because I was encouraged by my family, and it felt like the next right move. I did want to be a helper, right?
Here we were again, sitting in a lecture with my cohort, feeling like I didn’t belong. I worked really hard, pulled all-nighters, and just felt like I couldn’t keep up. During this time, I lost my best friend to suicide, and I couldn’t shake it. A year after she passed, I withdrew from nursing school and took six months to really work on myself. I went to a job fair at a local inpatient psychiatric hospital and got a job working as a mental health technician. The second I stepped foot into that locked unit, I knew this was where I needed to be.
That June, I applied to get my bachelor’s in psychology online so that I could go to graduate school and become a mental health counselor. I graduated with honors and started my master’s program two weeks later. I went through my master’s program and did really well, and landed my first job in private practice after my internship. It was everything I thought I wanted in a job – until it wasn’t.
I found myself feeling undervalued, overworked, and unable to say no. I felt that I was shrinking myself in certain spaces and in certain relationships, and everything felt like it was imploding. I was getting diagnosed with chronic health conditions, lost both my grandparents, and was not met with support and kindness. I knew at that moment I needed to change.
I then found my second job in private practice, which was a corrective experience in some ways, and I have since resigned from that job. During this time, I knew I needed some sense of safety, so I started my own private practice back in the Summer of 2024. I made my own dreams come true, and now, it continues to grow, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.
All of this to say: You can change your mind at ANY time.
The “White Picket Fence”
Growing up, I dreamed of getting married, being a doctor, having a house, and a couple of kids in suburbia. I’m not quite sure when that dream died, but it became evident that it wasn’t happening until my late 20s.
I always envisioned myself having a dream wedding, where I walk down the aisle, and the man I’m supposed to marry starts crying, everyone loves our love and aspires to it – that is not how things played out. I lost myself in every relationship I was ever in, constantly molding and shape-shifting to be what they wanted me to be. This is what I was supposed to do, I always thought to myself.
When I became a therapist, the white picket fence wasn’t even on the drawing board anymore. I just wanted to find solace in my career path and feel stability. I continued to pour my energy into men who needed to be reparented, and I sold myself short every time I people-pleased or was over-accommodating. A surprising plot twist happened, but not until shortly after my 30th birthday: I came out as a lesbian.
The Dream & Plan Can Change
So, here we are, and the dream looks incredibly different. I now live in a different city and state since that conversation. I recently resigned from a position I never thought I’d give up. Five years ago, this would have been horrifying for me. While it’s stressful and I’m trying to manage, I’m in a place where I’m okay if the dream looks different. I actually welcome the dream looking differently today – 99% of the time, it’s for the better. The dream changes each and every day, and I welcome it. It’s amazing how one question can completely change your perspective, your life, and the way you approach the world. All of this to say: you can change your mind, start over, start something new at any time. No one is stopping you. No one was stopping me – I needed to get out of my own way, and I’m so glad I did.
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