Written by LaQuita Fergerson, a Behavioral Health Educator, Emotional Resilience & Life Transition Expert, and author whose work explores trauma-informed resilience, nervous system regulation, and the emotional patterns that shape how people respond to change. She helps make complex behavioral health concepts practical, accessible, and relevant to everyday life.
I love a good mindset shift.
I really do.
There’s power in challenging the stories we tell ourselves, questioning limiting beliefs, and deciding that we want something different for our lives.
But somewhere along the way, “change your mindset” became the personal-development answer to just about everything.
Feeling stuck?
Change your mindset.
Struggling with boundaries?
Change your mindset.
Burned out?
Think more positively.
Know what you need to do but can’t seem to actually do it?
You must not want it badly enough.
Except… human behavior doesn’t work that neatly.
Have you ever known, logically, that you were safe but still felt anxious?
Known that saying “no” was completely reasonable, but your heart started racing as soon as you said it?
Maybe you’ve rehearsed exactly what you wanted to say, only to freeze, overexplain, or agree to something you didn’t want when the moment actually came.
Your mindset knew better.
Your body had a different opinion.
That’s the part of change we don’t talk about enough.
We are not walking brains making perfectly rational decisions.
We are whole human beings with nervous systems constantly taking in information and asking, often outside of our conscious awareness:
Am I safe here?
Do I recognize this?
What happened the last time I did this?
Our past experiences, relationships, prolonged stress, trauma, and even the roles we’ve learned to play can shape those answers.
That’s why I’m careful about labeling every struggle with change as a mindset problem.
Sometimes what looks like procrastination, resistance, people-pleasing, overthinking, or a lack of confidence may also involve a nervous system relying on responses it has learned helped us get through something before.
And telling ourselves to “just think differently” doesn’t necessarily teach the body that it can respond differently.
So, yes, mindset matters.
But when we’re trying to understand why meaningful change can feel so difficult, the mind shouldn’t be the only voice in the conversation.
Your body gets a vote, too.
Your Nervous System Is Not Checking Your Vision Board
Let’s take a stroll back to 2020, when the world stopped because of COVID-19.
Believe it or not, in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, I decided to host a vision board workshop.
Surprisingly, about a dozen people registered.
Less than a handful showed up.
Enthusiastically, I spoke about positive mindset shifts, flexible planning, socially distanced gathering, and faith-based activities.
For two hours, I shared vision board ideas with participants.
We laughed, brainstormed, and created.
But something happened after the scissors, magazines, and thumbtack boards, a hack I proposed for flexible planning, were put away.
Life was still happening, filled with uncertainty.
We were still living through a global pandemic.
People were still isolated from friends and family.
Some were worried about health, employment, their aging parents, children, or what the next few months would bring.
Our routines had been disrupted overnight.
And there I was, talking about goals.
My stomach felt queasy the moment I closed my laptop.
Looking back, I don’t think vision boards were a bad idea.
In fact, creating something hopeful gave us a moment of connection.
But I later understood something that I hadn’t fully grasped before hosting the workshop.
I was speaking to their mindset without considering what their bodies might have been experiencing.
I was essentially saying, “Let’s focus on what’s possible,” while some of the nervous systems in that room may have been sensing, “Can we first figure out if we’re okay?”
That experience has stayed with me because it highlights something that still happens in personal development spaces.
We rush toward reframing, goal-setting, positive thinking, and action plans without acknowledging the physiology underneath human behavior.
Sometimes people don’t need another motivational speech.
Sometimes they need safety, support, and regulation to access the very mindset we’re asking them to change.
That’s when I began to understand:
Your mind may be ready to make the vision board, but your body still gets a vote.
Polyvagal Theory, Without the Science Lecture
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, offers a framework for understanding how the autonomic nervous system responds to cues of safety and threat.
Clinician and author Deb Dana has helped translate these ideas into easily understood language.
Don’t worry; you don’t need to memorize anatomy.
Just think of your nervous system as having different gears.
When you feel relatively safe, you may find it easier to communicate, listen, create, spend time with the people you love, and explore ideas.
When your nervous system senses danger, you may shift into a more activated gear.
Your heart may race.
Your breathing may become shallow.
You may become easily annoyed, anxious, angry, restless, controlling, or find the nearest exit to get away.
And when everything feels too much, you may move toward shutting down, feeling disconnected, numb, frozen, or unable to make a decision.
These responses aren’t personality types.
They are states, and states can change.
Your Body Can React Before You Have Words for It
Have you ever walked into a room and immediately felt uncomfortable, even though you couldn’t explain it?
Or received a perfectly ordinary text from a friend and felt your stomach drop before you ever opened it?
Our nervous system continuously processes information from our bodies, our environment, and our relationships.
Polyvagal-informed work sometimes describes this automatic detection process as neuroception.
In plain language?
Your body is constantly gathering information, and it doesn’t always wait for your conscious mind to finish the meeting.
That doesn’t mean every uncomfortable feeling proves that something is dangerous.
It means the feeling is information worth noticing.
Familiar Doesn’t Always Mean Safe, and Unfamiliar Doesn’t Always Mean Dangerous
This is where change gets interesting.
Imagine someone who has spent years keeping the peace.
She anticipates everyone’s needs, avoids disappointing people, and says yes before she even checks in with her capacity.
Then she starts practicing boundaries.
Healthy?
Yes.
Familiar to her nervous system?
Not so much.
Her first few no’s may come with guilt, trembling, anxiety, or an overwhelming urge to explain herself.
We could tell her:
“Be confident!”
“Stand in your power!”
Or, we could help her understand:
This is new. New can feel uncomfortable without being wrong.
Sometimes growth requires learning to tolerate the discomfort of doing something healthier.
Regulation Doesn’t Mean Being Calm All the Time
This distinction is important.
The goal isn’t to walk around completely unbothered while life is doing what life does.
Regulation is not permanent calmness.
I think about it more as developing the ability to notice where you are, recognize what you need, and find your way toward enough steadiness to choose your next response.
You can be angry and regulated.
You can be grieving and regulated.
You can have a difficult conversation while your hands are shaking and still make an intentional choice.
The goal isn’t to eliminate emotion.
The goal is to create enough space between what you feel and what you do next.
Before You Change the Thought, Check the Body
This is where nervous system awareness becomes practical.
The next time you notice yourself becoming reactive, overwhelmed, frozen, or pulled toward an old pattern, try something simple before immediately arguing with your thoughts.
Ask yourself:
What am I noticing in my body right now?
Maybe your shoulders have climbed toward your ears.
Maybe you’re holding your breath.
Perhaps your jaw is tight, your stomach feels unsettled, or you suddenly feel exhausted.
Then ask:
What happened right before I noticed this shift?
That question can help you become curious about patterns instead of immediately judging them.
Build Your Own “Back to Me” Toolkit
Regulation doesn’t require an elaborate morning routine, expensive wellness products, or pretending that five deep breaths will solve your life.
Different nervous systems respond differently, so experiment with simple tools and notice what actually helps you feel more present and steady.
Try pressing both feet into the floor and notice the support beneath you.
Look around the room slowly and name a few neutral things you see.
Lengthen your exhale without forcing your breathing.
Step outside for a short walk.
Stretch.
Sip something warm or cold and pay attention to the sensation.
Lower your voice and slow your speech during a difficult conversation.
Pause before answering a triggering message.
Call someone whose presence helps you feel grounded.
And sometimes the tool is simply:
“I don’t have to answer this right now.”
The point isn’t to force yourself into calm.
It’s to give your system another experience to work with.
Stop Asking, “What’s Wrong With Me?”
One of the most useful shifts nervous system-informed work can offer is moving from judgment to curiosity.
Instead of:
Why do I always do this?
Try:
What happens inside me when this situation occurs?
Instead of:
Why can’t I just get over it?
Try:
What does my nervous system seem to be protecting me from?
Instead of:
I know better. Why can’t I do better?
Try:
What support would make doing something different feel more manageable?
Curiosity gives us somewhere to go.
Shame usually just gives us somewhere to hide.
Your Mind Still Matters. It Just Isn’t Working Alone
None of this means mindset work is useless.
Our thoughts matter.
Our beliefs matter.
The stories we tell ourselves matter.
But behavioral change becomes much more compassionate, and often more practical, when we stop treating people like brains walking around in cute outfits.
We have bodies.
Histories.
Relationships.
Stress responses.
Learned patterns.
Environments.
And nervous systems that are participating in our decisions, whether we acknowledge them or not.
So, the next time you know exactly what you “should” do but find yourself struggling to do it, resist the urge to immediately diagnose yourself with a bad attitude, weak boundaries, poor discipline, or the wrong mindset.
Get curious.
What does my mind know?
What is my body communicating?
And what would help the two get on the same team?
Because sustainable change isn’t simply about convincing yourself to think differently.
Sometimes, it’s about helping your whole system discover that different is possible.
A Note on Polyvagal Theory
When I talk about the nervous system having different “gears” or “states,” I’m intentionally using simple language to describe an approach informed by both Polyvagal Theory and Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP).
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges and brought into accessible therapeutic practice by clinicians such as Deb Dana, offers a framework for understanding how the autonomic nervous system may respond to perceived safety, danger, and overwhelm (The Weekend University, 2023).
It helps explain why our ability to connect, think clearly, or take action can feel different depending on our physiological state (Porges, 2025).
As a Certified NLP Practitioner, I also draw from NLP concepts that examine the relationship between our internal experiences, including thoughts, language, sensory information, emotional states, and learned patterns, and the behaviors that follow.
In NLP, state commonly describes our emotional and physiological condition at a particular moment and how that condition can influence our choices and responses (Zhang, Davarpanah, & Izadpanah, 2022).
However, when I use the word “gear,” I’m not introducing a clinical diagnosis or suggesting that Polyvagal Theory and NLP are interchangeable.
Think of it as my everyday language bridge between the two frameworks:
What is my body experiencing?
What meaning am I making of it?
What pattern tends to follow?
And what might help me shift into a state where I have more choices?
It is also important to acknowledge that Polyvagal Theory is a developing and debated scientific framework, and NLP has received significant scientific criticism, with many of its broader therapeutic claims lacking strong empirical support (Witkowski, 2010).
I therefore use concepts from both as frameworks for self-awareness and practical reflection, not as settled neuroscience, psychotherapy, or substitutes for medical or mental health care.
For me, the value is not in giving someone another complicated label.
It’s in helping them notice what is happening inside themselves in language simple enough to actually use.
References
Porges, S. W. (2025). Polyvagal theory: A journey from physiological observation to neural innervation and clinical insight. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 19, Article 1659083.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2025.1659083
The Weekend University [@TheWeekendUniversity]. (2023, June 23). Deb Dana – Polyvagal Theory Made Simple [Video]. YouTube.
https://youtu.be/Cxn9SyW0DvM?si=Iz_IaoaCO9-HCvyq
Witkowski, T. (2010). Thirty-five years of research on Neuro-Linguistic Programming. NLP research data base. State of the art or pseudoscientific decoration? Polish Psychological Bulletin, 41(2), 58–66.
https://doi.org/10.2478/v10059-010-0008-0
Zhang, X., Davarpanah, N., & Izadpanah, S. (2022). The effect of neurolinguistic programming on academic achievement, emotional intelligence, and critical thinking of EFL learners. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 888797.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.888797
To learn more about LaQuita Fergerson’s work in emotional resilience, life transitions, and trauma-informed behavioral health, visit her Expert Profile on She Owns Success.
